Tuesday, June 25, 2013

A note.



Iraq war veteran Daniel Somers committed suicide following an arduous battle with post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) that was caused by his role in committing “crimes against humanity,” according to the soldier’s suicide note.

Somers was assigned to a Tactical Human-Intelligence Team (THT) in Baghdad which saw him involved in more than 400 combat missions as a machine gunner in the turret of a Humvee, in addition to his role in conducting interrogations.

 Below is his suicide note. It tells the world what he was thinking before he made his final decision.

I share it with the hope it will provoke thoughts on how we can beat this challenging and multifaceted issue of military veteran's suicide.


I am sorry that it has come to this.

The fact is, for as long as I can remember my motivation for getting up every day has been so that you would not have to bury me. As things have continued to get worse, it has become clear that this alone is not a sufficient reason to carry on. The fact is, I am not getting better, I am not going to get better, and I will most certainly deteriorate further as time goes on. From a logical standpoint, it is better to simply end things quickly and let any repercussions from that play out in the short term than to drag things out into the long term.

You will perhaps be sad for a time, but over time you will forget and begin to carry on. Far better that than to inflict my growing misery upon you for years and decades to come, dragging you down with me. It is because I love you that I can not do this to you. You will come to see that it is a far better thing as one day after another passes during which you do not have to worry about me or even give me a second thought. You will find that your world is better without me in it.

I really have been trying to hang on, for more than a decade now. Each day has been a testament to the extent to which I cared, suffering unspeakable horror as quietly as possible so that you could feel as though I was still here for you. In truth, I was nothing more than a prop, filling space so that my absence would not be noted. In truth, I have already been absent for a long, long time.

My body has become nothing but a cage, a source of pain and constant problems. The illness I have has caused me pain that not even the strongest medicines could dull, and there is no cure. All day, every day a screaming agony in every nerve ending in my body. It is nothing short of torture. My mind is a wasteland, filled with visions of incredible horror, unceasing depression, and crippling anxiety, even with all of the medications the doctors dare give. Simple things that everyone else takes for granted are nearly impossible for me. I can not laugh or cry. I can barely leave the house. I derive no pleasure from any activity. Everything simply comes down to passing time until I can sleep again. 

Now, to sleep forever seems to be the most merciful thing.

You must not blame yourself. The simple truth is this: During my first deployment, I was made to participate in things, the enormity of which is hard to describe. War crimes, crimes against humanity. 

Though I did not participate willingly, and made what I thought was my best effort to stop these events, there are some things that a person simply can not come back from. I take some pride in that, actually, as to move on in life after being part of such a thing would be the mark of a sociopath in my mind. These things go far beyond what most are even aware of.

To force me to do these things and then participate in the ensuing coverup is more than any government has the right to demand. Then, the same government has turned around and abandoned me. They offer no help, and actively block the pursuit of gaining outside help via their corrupt agents at the DEA. Any blame rests with them.

Beyond that, there are the host of physical illnesses that have struck me down again and again, for which they also offer no help. There might be some progress by now if they had not spent nearly twenty years denying the illness that I and so many others were exposed to. Further complicating matters is the repeated and severe brain injuries to which I was subjected, which they also seem to be expending no effort into understanding. What is known is that each of these should have been cause enough for immediate medical attention, which was not rendered.

Lastly, the DEA enters the picture again as they have now managed to create such a culture of fear in the medical community that doctors are too scared to even take the necessary steps to control the symptoms. All under the guise of a completely manufactured “overprescribing epidemic,” which stands in stark relief to all of the legitimate research, which shows the opposite to be true. Perhaps, with the right medication at the right doses, I could have bought a couple of decent years, but even that is too much to ask from a regime built upon the idea that suffering is noble and relief is just for the weak.

However, when the challenges facing a person are already so great that all but the weakest would give up, these extra factors are enough to push a person over the edge.

Is it any wonder then that the latest figures show 22 veterans killing themselves each day? That is more veterans than children killed at Sandy Hook, every single day. Where are the huge policy initiatives? Why isn’t the president standing with those families at the state of the union? Perhaps because we were not killed by a single lunatic, but rather by his own system of dehumanization, neglect, and indifference.

It leaves us to where all we have to look forward to is constant pain, misery, poverty, and dishonor. I assure you that, when the numbers do finally drop, it will merely be because those who were pushed the farthest are all already dead.

And for what? Bush’s religious lunacy? Cheney’s ever growing fortune and that of his corporate friends? Is this what we destroy lives for

Since then, I have tried everything to fill the void. I tried to move into a position of greater power and influence to try and right some of the wrongs. I deployed again, where I put a huge emphasis on saving lives. The fact of the matter, though, is that any new lives saved do not replace those who were murdered. It is an exercise in futility.

Then, I pursued replacing destruction with creation. For a time this provided a distraction, but it could not last. The fact is that any kind of ordinary life is an insult to those who died at my hand. How can I possibly go around like everyone else while the widows and orphans I created continue to struggle? If they could see me sitting here in suburbia, in my comfortable home working on some music project they would be outraged, and rightfully so.

I thought perhaps I could make some headway with this film project, maybe even directly appealing to those I had wronged and exposing a greater truth, but that is also now being taken away from me. I fear that, just as with everything else that requires the involvement of people who can not understand by virtue of never having been there, it is going to fall apart as careers get in the way.

The last thought that has occurred to me is one of some kind of final mission. It is true that I have found that I am capable of finding some kind of reprieve by doing things that are worthwhile on the scale of life and death. While it is a nice thought to consider doing some good with my skills, experience, and killer instinct, the truth is that it isn’t realistic. First, there are the logistics of financing and equipping my own operation, then there is the near certainty of a grisly death, international incidents, and being branded a terrorist in the media that would follow. What is really stopping me, though, is that I simply am too sick to be effective in the field anymore. That, too, has been taken from me.

Thus, I am left with basically nothing. Too trapped in a war to be at peace, too damaged to be at war. 

Abandoned by those who would take the easy route, and a liability to those who stick it out—and thus deserve better. So you see, not only am I better off dead, but the world is better without me in it

This is what brought me to my actual final mission. Not suicide, but a mercy killing. I know how to kill, and I know how to do it so that there is no pain whatsoever. It was quick, and I did not suffer. 

And above all, now I am free. I feel no more pain. I have no more nightmares or flashbacks or hallucinations. I am no longer constantly depressed or afraid or worried I am free.

I ask that you be happy for me for that. It is perhaps the best break I could have hoped for. Please accept this and be glad for me.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Death Dreams.

The nighttime can be the worst time for some of us.

It is usually when I begin to dwell and reflect upon those lost souls who have already made the journey into the great unknown.

Each of us, as humans, will experience and feel loss in our lifetime. It is truly inevitable. What is it they say... "death and taxes"?

When dealing with loss, coping skills are a necessity. And recognizing when your emotions begin to influence decisions, is also a necessity for personal success.

Humanity has proven time and time again the when our emotions are running wild, it is usually not the best moment to make any decisions which have an affect on life as we know it.

Judgement can be skewed when developing emotions are allowed to take over our lives. And for those dealing with post traumatic stress... well, our emotions can take over all too quickly.

Both my wife and I had similar dreams last night. Similar in the theme of death.

Hers was a dream that focused on the suicide of her best friend from home. Mine was surrounding a suicide bombing that I was involved in back in Afghanistan.

But when we awoke from our nightly slumber, each of us was in a different mindset, and noticeably so.

Sarah fought tears throughout her morning routine, and I remained mostly quiet. Reflecting on the violent events that were playing out in my dreams only moments before.

Her friend committed suicide last fall, and the stings of emotions are still burning freshly in her mind. I cannot believe that almost 3 years ago I was ready to do the same thing to my partner of only a few years.

Ready to make the final decision of my existence. Blinded by emotion and selfish enough to think that taking my own life, might better hers and those around me.

Blind to happiness and ignorant in the labor of love necessary to sustain a productive marriage.

It pains me to see someone I care so much about, hurt so deeply, and I am powerless to stop it. Many of us have or will in this lifetime experience significant losses.

I am dwelling on the events of this morning mainly because I see them as a perfect eample of how differently two humans can process a significant loss of life.

I am prone to becoming unusually quiet and stoic, while my wife can show and process her emotions right up front.

Is this a cultural difference? Upbringing? Military training?

I discover and observe the coping methods of those people I am exposed to in my daily life, and am somewhat jealous.

Jealous because I do not feel emotion when a traumatic event happens. Everyone else can cry and feel sad right away it seems. I become numb and cold. Calculated. Strategic.

For me emotion is not so simple. I internalize and analyze events repeatedly ... replaying the memories like some broken record. Scratching the same grooves of vinyl over and over, until there is a breaking point where the record cracks and falls to pieces.

Post traumatic stress, it seems, can effect us all.



Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Suicide.

Suicide is a topic that is all to close to home for many families in America. And it is extremely close to home for a growing number of military families as the numbers for 2013 are trending upward.

“A veteran or service member returning from a deployment, [whether] at home or abroad, is subject to a certain amount of distress,” said Jacqueline Garrick, director of the Defense Suicide Prevention Office. “Regardless of where they served, there still are challenges when they return home, and we want to encourage them to seek help.”

Officials at the Defense and Veterans Affairs Departments are attempting to avert suicide by making sure families, friends and communities that surround veterans and service members are aware of the signs and symptoms of suicide, to get those at risk into treatment right away, Garrick said.

Garrick said seeking early treatment before the symptoms worsen is vital. Veterans and service members who stall treatment might do so for many reasons, such as fear of losing their jobs, “but they [should] see it as a way to save their careers,” she added.

“Seeking help is a sign of strength,” Garrick said. “They won’t lose their jobs, and avoiding help doesn’t make an individual’s concerns go away."

“Letting problems get worse doesn’t make your career get better,” Garrick said. “The problems that are not dealt with are just going to manifest themselves and get bigger further down the road. We want to encourage veterans [and] service members to get help early, because it does make a difference in the long term.”

Suicide is not unique to the military, Garrick noted, adding that it is a societal issue, and successful treatment is easily available. For veterans and service members, Garrick said that help is available around the clock at http://www.suicideoutreach.org and through the Military Crisis Line at 1-800-273-8255, which offer confidential chats and texting capabilities.

The website offers a wealth of resources, including the announcements, videos and a variety of information on how to seek help for service members, friends and families, Garrick said.

Garrick noted that in addition to the need for family members to help distressed service members and veterans, the family members themselves can be distressed, and should take advantage of the resources and seek help if that’s the case.

The topic of suicide will be discussed in greater detail on my blog in the coming weeks and days.

We can stop Veterans from making that ultimate decision, I have faith.